


amaranthine

by demure_raven



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Cancer, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Happy Ending, Hinata Shouyou-centric, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, Hurt/Comfort, Manga & Anime, Mentions of Cancer, Other, Platonic Relationships, Rare Cancer Awareness, Sad, Sick Character, Sick Hinata Shouyou, Volleyball
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:15:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29681040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demure_raven/pseuds/demure_raven
Summary: It started as a dull throbbing in his lower back. Hinata Shouyou didn't think much of it at first- when he mentions it to his mother in passing, she frowns at him. "Did someone pull a chair out from under you as you sat down?" Hinata had laughed then, saying that "No, no I would definitely remember if someone did that!"Now, though, now...Waves of electricity arc up his spine, agony laces his every step.  He wishes it was as simple as someone simply pulling a chair out from under him.
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou & Hinata Shouyou, Hinata Shouyou & Everyone, Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou & Karasuno Volleyball Club, Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou & Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 14
Kudos: 94





	amaranthine

**Author's Note:**

> This won't be centered around any point in the timeline- it's more about Hinata's struggle, and how his condition impacts not only him but those around him, too. Sometimes we get the short end of the stick and wonder _why me?_ But we take it day by day, and we live through our experiences.
> 
> The timeline of this is chronological, but it will jump around a lot- understand that this doesn't happen in the span of a few days or even weeks. It takes longer.

The first time a gentle throng of something hits him is when he's at home. Hinata frowns, massaging gentle fingers into the skin of his lower back as dull pangs of– well, not really _pain_ , but not really something pleasant, either– pulse beneath his skin. It's... not really anything that bad at all, but he tries to think back to any recent practices where he landed wrong or fell back that might be causing... whatever he's feeling now.

 _But I haven't had any falls recently?_ Hinata thinks to himself, feeling truly baffled. The feeling doesn't spread, it doesn't even shift or change in any way when he jumps to his feet and leaps in the middle of his bedroom. The lack of change is a bit weird, but seeing it as nothing concerning, Hinata moves back to his bed, a smile on his face as he grabs at the volleyball on his nightstand to practice by himself. He _can_ improve his sets, and he'll prove it to Kageyama even if he'll never actually be a setter!

Being a spiker is too fun, anyway. Hinata wouldn't give it up for another position for the world.

Later, at the dinner table, Shouyou twists in his seat, first one way, then the other. He smiles when he realizes the sensation is gone, and the boy can't even be bothered to fully remember exactly what it felt like. His mom glances at him, tilting her head to the side in confusion.

"Shouyou," she calls in her soft voice, amusement coloring her tone, "did you pull a muscle again?"

"Nope!" He replies, feeling giddy with his body full of good food. "Just wanted to do some stretches!" Natsu nearly dumps her entire bowl of soup on the table on accident, and the family's household is filled with banter and laughter.

Hinata forgets about it pretty quickly. It's nothing to worry about.

{}

In the following days leading up to the next week, he goes to practice, and works on his receives and serves and blocks and spikes and nothing changes (literally– his receives still stuck and he's still having trouble with the timing of his blocks but he's trying!). Except, that strange feeling comes back from time to time. Each time is more intense than the last, but not pain-wise. It just grows to bother him as a dull ache rather than a nameless feeling. Always in fleeting passes, always in the same spot. Hinata grows to be annoyed by it more than concerned– did he actually pull a muscle in his back and not realize it?

But the weirdness isn't lost to him. Hinata has never had any type of major injury which, unfortunately, includes this minor one that flares up and stops just as suddenly. Because of this, he can't put a name to it. In the span of just five days, the throb he feels on occasion still isn't constant, but it has become more annoying (and more frequent). _Ugh, why can't it just leave me alone?_

Hinata decides to swallow his pride and asks Daichi if the team can do ball massages after practice one day, stating his reason for doing so.

"A pulled muscle?" The captain questions, frowning thoughtfully. Sugawara happens to be nearby, and studies Hinata as if he suspects him to be lying. Which, _okay rude, I'm obviously telling you because I don't not want to tell you!_

"Yeah, it's no big deal, really!" Hinata reassures, waving his hands wildly. "I've never pulled a muscle in my back before but I have in my legs and I think it feels the same?" He tries putting it into words, but words seem to fail him, here. _Frustrating_. Luckily, both males are actually on board with the idea.

"That's actually a good idea, Hinata," Daichi reassures, patting the shorter boy's shoulder in approval. "We can do that today as part of our cooldown routine."

"Tell us if you ever feel too sore and need a break though, okay?" Suga says, more of a demand than a request. "Pulled muscles are nothing to scoff at." Hinata calls out a 'yes sir!' and salutes promptly, earning a deadpan stare from his upperclassman. He chuckles and goes about practicing with Kageyama. The precision of their quick attack is improving every day, it seems.

And so, after practice, the team breaks off into pairs to gently apply pressure to their partners with the volleyballs. Hinata goads Kageyama into doing his back, making it into a competition on who gives the better massage. It surprisingly doesn't get out of hand, as most competitions do between them, nowadays.

Hinata doesn't think anything of how the pressure of the ball on his back doesn't seem to reach as deep as the ache does.

{}

It gets worse without warning. Hinata is in school, sitting through a boring day and kind of spacing out in the middle of his math class. He doesn't look out the window; the sun outside is too bright to him, right now, so he slumps over on his desk with his chin propped in one palm as he allows his mind to jump from place to place. _I wonder how Lev is? And I bet Kenma is enjoying that game for his new console, I can't remember what he called it though... wait, Legend of the Wild, yeah, that's it–!_

In the middle of spacing out, Hinata's spine shoots straight as the throbbing returns with a vengeance. He hisses quietly in irritation. It feels like the pulsing is coming straight from his bones, centered directly on the space above where the line of his hipbones is. This time, it feels different, like a slight pain that itches, settled deep. It's not too dissimilar from normal, but his mind hyper-focuses on it because, however slight, it _is_. Hinata leans forward slightly to rub his hand roughly along his spine, and the pressure seems to help abate the feeling, but not by much. The teen tries to relax his body, although every now and then his core will tense as he feels the urge to _itch_. Itch, pressure, itch.

 _Annoying_.

Hinata spends the rest of his day floating through as a spectator.

He tries to put a name to the feeling during lunch when he's chowing down on some rice balls with Kageyama by his side. Hinata doesn't realize how quiet it is until he snaps his fingers, breaking the silence abruptly.

"Pressure," he says, knowing that's _exactly_ what it is.

"Huh?" Kageyama asks, staring at him as if his hair has suddenly turned blue. Hinata turns to him and gestures his thoughts with large hand movements.

"Like, pressure, you know? When you squeeze your arm with your other hand, you feel pressure, right?" He demonstrates by doing just that and is satisfied when the feeling mirrors that which he feels in his back.

"Yeah, what about it?" Kageyama says, starting to adopt a baffled expression at Hinata's seemingly random musings.

"O-Oh, nothing I guess," the shorter says, deflating suddenly. "Just trying to give that a word. Pressure seems like the right one, yeah?"

"I guess." Kageyama goes quiet for a few seconds. "You're also putting stress on your arm, depending on how hard you squeeze."

"Stress, huh?" Hinata doesn't like that as much. After all, he's not doing anything to put stress on his body, he hasn't been pushing himself beyond his limits or anything. He's also been feeling pretty good mentally, he's got nothing to worry about.

Yeah... pressure. Constant pressure.

{}

Physical activity seems to help with the pain– because that's what it's grown to, pain– so Hinata does even more volleyball than before, if possible. The only aspect of the game he tries to avoid is squatting, since widening his hips and putting his weight on them only seems to agitate his body. He glares down at his pelvis as if it's personally offended him.

"Watcha doin' there, Hinata?" Nishinoya asks, approaching him suddenly. Hinata looks at the male, and a lie falls easily from his lips.

"Can you show me your form again, Nishinoya?" He asks innocently, making a bumping motion with his arms. "I can't seem to get my stance right."

"Anything for my underclassman!" Nishinoya crows in response and launches into a series of sound effects while he pretends to dig an imaginary ball. Hinata is watching him, laughing and asking questions where required. But he's stuck in his own mind.

_Why did I lie?_

Eventually, even practice doesn't make the bone-deep ache go away.

{}

"Hey, mom?" Hinata finally gets the courage to bring it up to her on a Sunday, after having spent most of the morning writhing on his bed in discomfort. The pain isn't unbearable, but it's enough to make him squirm, to feel out of place in his own skin.

"Yes, sweetie?" His mom replies, tilting her head in question.

"My back hurts," Hinata says. He puffs his cheeks out when just that sounds childish, and rushes to explain. "Well, it's been hurting for a while now, I think. It didn't really bother me before and it still doesn't affect my volleyball but now it's really annoying and uncomfortable."

"Hmm," his mother hums, eyeing him in consideration.

"It's in my lower back."

"Do you remember knocking it against anything?" She finally asks. "A counter? Or did you have a fall during practice?" When her son shakes his head in response, she snaps her fingers. "Did anyone pull a chair out from under you when you were sitting down?" Startled by the bizarre picture that paints in his mind, Hinata laughs, shaking his head.

"No, no, I'd definitely remember if someone did that," he says. "I guess this is the feeling I'd get if someone did do that, though?"

"Well I know you wouldn't complain about something small, Shouyou," his mother says, concern carving deep lines around her eyes. "I'll get you some Tylenol and you can rest, okay? Let me know if it feels any worse."

Hinata smiles, his heart overflowing with love for his mother.

"Thanks, mom."

{}

Hinata gets really scared when he wakes up in the middle of the night, and his pelvis is on _fire_. Burning pain pulses in his hips, starting in his lower back and spanning all the way down his waist to the very tops of his thighs. The sensation is sharper than anything he's ever experienced before, and the boy feels tears streaming down his eyes. He rolls around for what feels like forever, failing to distract himself from the electricity in his bones.

He falls back asleep unintentionally, and when he wakes in the morning the ache has settled back into the level of pain he's grown used to.

He's still scared, though. Especially when he finds that a small, fuzzy, pins-and-needles feeling is spreading down his left leg. It aches, and Hinata nearly cries when he sits at the edge of his bed, and he can't feel the softness of the duvet against the skin on the back of his leg.

Before, he could disconnect from the pain in his body. Volleyball was the prime place to do that, but with the pain spreading to his leg he can't ignore it anymore. It grounds him to reality, and it's beginning to drive him a bit crazy.

He decides to do some research. Alone in his room on a Saturday, Hinata pulls his phone to his face and begins to type.

_'My back hurts without reason?'_

_'Bone deep ache help'_

_'I didn't injure myself but my back really hurts'_

_'Back and hip pain'_

He blinks when one of the top search results for that one is osteoporosis and decides to do more digging. There's absolutely _no way_ he has a bone condition; he's only _fifteen_ , and everyone in his family is healthy. Frowning, he keeps up his search.

_'I have back and hip pain with no cause?'_

Interestingly enough, he finally comes up with something that may be the cause of his pain.

"Sciatica?" He asks himself quietly, frowning as the word doesn't roll off his tongue. "Herniated disks?" _Those sound serious_. Diving deep into his internet searches, Shouyou learns all he can about the two conditions; he figures that if he can do this much at home, it will at least save him and his mother a trip to the doctor. He reads until late at night, only stopping when his mother calls him out for dinner.

His leg is still feeling weak, but Hinata is happy. Everything he read about what he's experiencing– because there _are_ other people who've experienced it!– says that the feelings are only temporary. People recommend rest and stretching mostly, and Hinata is a bit irritated that he has to wait it out, but he knows that there will be an end to it.

He just wonders when that will be.

{}

He really doesn't want to sit out at practice, but the tingling has spread down to his shin by the middle of the following week and Hinata really doesn't want it to last any longer than it has to on its own. He has a high pain tolerance, so he adapts to the feeling of _pain pain pain_ in his daily schedule as it slowly changes, but he still doesn't like it.

When he mentions a herniated disk to Coach Ukai, the man's face goes curiously white. Hinata stares at him.

"Uh, coach?" He asks hesitantly.

"This is serious, ginger!" The man suddenly cries, gripping at his hair dramatically. "No practice for you for the next week, no, until you're completely better!" He practically screams. Hinata can't keep from flinching away from the loud volume right next to him.

"Thank you?" The boy squeaks, tilting his head at the coach. Ukai stares at him for a beat.

"In a sport like this, injuries can be the difference between making or breaking a player, kid. Keep on top of it, I'm glad you didn't keep this to yourself." He ruffles his hair affectionately. "You can do light– _very_ light– stuff on your own time if you want because god only knows you won't be able to stay completely still, but you have to recover before you come back, yeah?"

"Yes sir!"

Hinata beams up at the man, feeling contentment pool in his chest. He'll definitely be practicing in his free time, but if missing a few days of practice means that he can ultimately jump _without_ worrying about a painful landing it'll all be okay! It'll all be okay...

His hips throb.

Everyone is surprised when he doesn't do practice for the following week, but Hinata explains what he thinks is happening and he gets surprised looks from them all. He shrugs his shoulders sheepishly while Kageyama yells at him and calls him a dumbass. The entire week he monitors his back, and is ecstatic to feel... no change in his condition.

Which, okay, doesn't sound great. But Hinata is nothing if not determined, and he has grown accustomed to the feeling of soreness in his hips ( _which– god, doesn't that make him sound like an old man?_ ). The feeling of weakness has strengthened in not only his left leg but also his right, as well. It's a sharp agitation now, acute where it used to be dull. Shouyou feels it all the way down in his left ankle, and it's quickly spreading from his right knee downward as well.

The pain has become so unbearable in his back that he can't lie down anymore. He's tried tucking a pillow underneath his knees when he's on his back, in between his knees while he lies on his side, but nothing works. Nothing gives him _relief_ , nothing makes the pain go _away_. If Shouyou thinks about describing it, he'd call it lightning: like the little electric shocks you get when you touch something metal after dragging your feet across the carpet. Only this is one hundred, one thousand times _worse_ and it's actually beneath his skin in a place he can't reach. He feels it all the way in his bones and it _hurts_.

He even asks for an extra week off, one which Ukai grants him with a worrying question about how he's doing. Hinata waves off the concern, saying that he just wants to be one-hundred percent before he returns to practice. The only person who seems to stare at him more intensely than the others is Kageyama.

Hinata can feel his unwavering gaze on the back of his head whenever he's in the corner during practice. It's a bit unnerving.

{}

In the mornings, he has to grab his nightstand as he stands up so his knees don't fail him. He made the mistake of getting up without aid the first time and ended up lying on the floor, just breathing for a while until his sister found him. When he mentions it to his mother, she frowns at him, brushing his hair behind his ear as she asks him if he wants to stay home for the next couple of days. The itch beneath his skin doesn't settle, so he agrees reluctantly. Hinata mentions what he thinks is happening to her, and she seems a bit proud of his extensive research mixed with alarm for his worsening pain.

He knows now, that the pain is _in_ his spine. He can feel the exact point where it starts and spreads down. The one morning that was the turning point also gave him insight into whatever is happening to him.

Hinata hates being sick. He hopes this will pass soon.

It turns out being cooped up is worse. He decides to attend school and practice the following afternoon as a test run, though he's on strict orders to take it easy from Ukai. He appreciates the concern, but the pain ( _pain pain pain_ ) beneath his skin is constant and acute now. There's nothing he can do to make it go away– he can't lie down to sleep, he can't massage the pain away, floating in warm water in the bath helped for about four nights before even that couldn't bring him any solace.

Hinata feels like he's slowly losing his mind. Agony laces every step he takes, wraps him in its arms as he goes about doing everything. He stays up so late at night because the pain the _pain_ keeps him trapped in his own body, and ends up only falling asleep when his body shuts down in the late hours of the morning. He can feel the bags under his eyes, and the nights he can't sleep ( _every night, now_ ) weigh heavy on him.

When he finds himself eyeing one of the knives in the kitchen set, he feels horrified to find that he wants anything to distract from the pain, _even if it's a different kind_. The realization terrifies him.

He brings it up to his mom again, and she schedules him an appointment with a doctor as soon as she possibly can. Hinata has to miss another practice to make it, but if it will just make the pain _stop_ then he will gladly take it and apologize for his absence later.

Hinata doesn't like getting checkups, because it's a different doctor every time. He likes change, but consistency is the one thing he craves right now. This woman is new, too, prodding up and down his spine with searching fingers. Since the pain ( _pain pain pain_ ) is everlasting, Hinata flinches at the touch, trying to keep his breathing even. The not-so-nice doctor prescribes him Ibuprofen and sends him on his way. She swears up and down that whatever is plaguing him is muscular.

Hinata knows, deep down in his gut, that she's wrong.

{}

He's back at practice full time, soon enough. Jumping is too much because every time he lands he feels like he's literally being stabbed in the back, so Hinata does everything in his power to avoid that and diving. It lasts three days of both morning and afternoon practices before he asks Sugawara to practice setting with him under the excuse that he wants to improve all of his skills. The older teen gives him a funny look, but allows it. This goes on for two days.

Shouyou can't really call it an accident when it happens. He doesn't have a collision on the court, nor does he lose his balance and fall. His legs have been feeling weaker recently, sure, and he tries to avoid sitting down because the way his spine _shifts_ and the lightning _bites_ when he lifts himself up is completely unbearable, but volleyball always gives him the strength to push through the queasiness and play his game. He does make more mistakes now, though. He doesn't know if the team notices or not, but if they do they haven't said anything.

It's approaching the end of practice when the group takes a water break. Hinata and Kageyama end up bickering about something, Tsukishima throwing in the occasional snarky comment to rile up the argument further. It isn't even an argument, though– Hinata is having fun going back and forth with his setter. At something Hinata says, Kageyama rolls his eyes and shoves his shoulder, and his legs fail him. Hinata lands on his back on the floor, the air leaving him for a moment before he laughs and shoots a sarcastic reply to Kageyama. He can't even remember what the taller boy _said_ , looking back on it.

His chuckles die down, and Hinata stares up at the ceiling. His water bottle is still clutched in his hand loosely, and his body is sprawled haphazardly with his limbs splayed out. It's only now that his mind won't be distracted from the throbbing in his entire lower half. Lying on his back _hurts_. But, then again, everything hurts him, now.

Hinata is _tired_. He's never experienced this kind of tired before– he's functioned on few to no hours of sleep before, he's overworked himself, he's been sick. But never, ever has he had to fight the urge to just stay on the ground, his body heavy with more than just the weight of gravity. Sugawara's concerned face appears above him, as does Kageyama's. He wears an expression of indifference, but Hinata can see the way his eyes shine with worry.

"Hinata?" Suga asks gently, his eyes shining. "Are you okay?"

He doesn't realize how long he's been lying down, but he figures it's been long enough if Suga is asking him. So he smiles, chuckles lightly. His chest feels funny, his breaths coming in shorter bursts than he expects them to. He'll fight the heaviness if it means he gets to fly again before practice is over.

"Yeah I'm fine, just thought I'd give Kageyama a little sca–"

His expression freezes. He shoots to a sitting position, his body screaming at him to _no, not do that I'm in pain asshole so now I'm going to give you even_ more _pain_. With one, shaking hand, he reaches down to dig his fingers into the skin above his knee. His lungs stop functioning.

"Hin–"

"I-I can't feel my legs." The gym feels too small, suddenly. The lights are too bright, even though Hinata isn't gazing upward. The shiny wooden floor beneath him reflects harshly, and Hinata pushes his palm more firmly against his leg. He feels his chest burning and raises his other hand to press against his sternum. It's rising and falling a lot more quickly than he expects, is that supposed to be normal? Why can't he breathe? _Why can't he feel his legs why is the burning so harsh why is the pain so much why why do I hurt so BAD!_

Hinata blacks out.

{}

When he wakes up, the bright lights of the gym greet him. He blinks, feeling dizzy and almost as if he's not fully _there_. Harsh throngs of pain rock his spine, worse now that he's lying down again. He has to fight the urge to curl in on himself to try and make it stop– the pulses of acute pain that sting like lightning ( _pain pain pain_ ) are sharp and unforgiving, but Hinata's mind is muddled enough to be numb to it. There is a face swimming into view, though the person's head is tilted away from him, and they're speaking frantically. _Silver hair_.

"S-Suga?" Hinata asks quietly, and the world is thrown into sudden clarity. His upperclassman's face fills his vision, and Hinata anchors himself in his soft brown eyes. They're shiny with unshed tears. _Did I cause that?_ Hinata wonders absently. "What... gym?" He doesn't feel like speaking full sentences right now. He still feels heavy.

"Hey Hinata," Suga says softly. "You with us now?"

"With you?" Hinata asks. He closes his eyes and hums at the soft hand Suga brushes against his forehead.

"You passed out." Another voice helpfully supplies. The boy blinks.

"Right," Hinata says, his mind coming back to him slowly. He finally realizes that Coach Ukai is sitting by his side, staring down at him intensely, and that his head is actually pillowed on Sugawara's legs. _Ugh, I hate being slow_. "Right." He says again. He pulls his elbows under his torso and begins to lift his upper body. He stares at his legs when they don't move with the rest of him. He feels his expression twist, and Ukai's hand on his shoulder pushes him back to the ground while Suga takes to running his hands through his hair. The gentle pulling encourages Hinata to close his eyes in appreciation. He feels likes he's drifting.

( _pain pain pain_ )

"Hinata, can you tell me what happened?" Ukai asks gently. Hinata turns his head toward him and furrows his brows.

"Just couldn' get up, I guess," he replies vaguely, sighing when Suga rubs his scalp. "Have to think about it."

"Think about what?"

"Moving them," Hinata grunts as he opens his eyes again, and it's now he realizes that the rest of the team is gathered around. It's clear that they are worried about him, and it looks like Kageyama is the only one who is still close, kneeling on his side opposite from Ukai. The rest are being held back by Daichi. Hinata tries once again to raise his torso, but this time he's stopped by a firm hand pushing down on the center of his chest. His eyes trail the hand up the arm to meet Kageyama's wide-eyed gaze. He looks frazzled, unable to keep his expression masked. Fear clouds his dark blue eyes.

"Don't get up yet, dumbass," he says softly, keeping his palm firm. Hinata kind of doesn't want him to remove it. He drifts a bit more, keeping his head raised as he blinks down at his legs. The throbbing is more pronounced now, more frequent as he lays stretched out. The numbness is beginning to recede, and the boy feels the pain ( _pain pain pain_ ) begin to make his brain fuzzy.

"Help me sit up?" He asks weakly, trying to look up at Suga. The older teen hesitates, looking to Ukai.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Hinata," the coach says, frowning at the drowsy boy. Said boy blinks at him, his mind slowly beginning to function normally again. "We don't know what happened back there."

"But lying down hurts." He says the first thing that comes to mind. Because he'd been living weeks with the pain in his spine, he'd somewhat adapted to it in its consistency. The one thing he'd been unable to do comfortably for a while now, though, is to lie down. And right now his core is tenser than it's ever been, flexing tightly to try and deal with the waves of pain washing over him. He doesn't feel the fear set in yet, but he knows it will once his brain registers that he can feel the burn all the way down to his ankles.

It comes to him slowly, but Hinata grits his eyes closed tightly as a particularly harsh throb pierces his spine. "Hurts." He whines, clenching his fists as he writhes in place a little. He reaches up to grab at Kageyama's wrist in one hand, while the other bats at Sugawara's shoulder in desperation.

"What hurts, Hinata?" Suga asks, his voice slightly hysterical. Hinata's worry for causing his upperclassman distress overrides his mindless wiggling, so he stills and attempts to breathe deeply.

"S-Spine." He grits out, opening his eyes and glaring up past Suga to the lights overhead. "I need to sit up. _Now_."

"Okay, okay," Suga mutters, shifting his body. He hooks one of his arms under one of Hinata's and looks over at Kageyama. "Can you help me? Angle him to lean against me when he's up."

"S-Sure." Kageyama's voice is quiet, his tone wavering with uncertainty. Hinata doesn't have the mind to reassure his friend, he just knows he needs to get off his back _right now_. He knows how painful the transition will be; he hasn't actually been laying down for over a week and a half now _because_ of that, but lying down is a position he doesn't want to maintain. So he practically bites his tongue to stay quiet when Suga gives him a countdown, and he and Kageyama _lift_.

Shouyou's vision whites out for a moment. A strangled sound escapes his throat, but he manages to keep a scream at bay. Suga's soft voice is in his ear, but now that he's sitting up Hinata is able to breathe easier. He opens his mouth and gasps loudly, closing his eyes.

"Hinata, can you feel this?" Ukai's faint voice has Hinata opening his eyes again. The boy squints down at where his coach grips his leg. He has to take a moment to answer.

"Yes," he says, and he feels tears build in his eyes, "yes, I can!"

"Holy shit," someone mutters.

"The paramedics are here!" Hinata can't turn to look, but he recognizes Takeda's voice and hears pounding footsteps. He closes his eyes to calm his racing heart. The pain is still there, but now that he's not lying down it's manageable. Hinata can live with it.

When he opens his eyes, two new people are there. Both of them are dressed in light blue, and Hinata can't help but lock on to the color. It's very pretty. One is a woman, and the other a man, though the woman gets his attention to speak to him first.

"Hey there," she says softly, staring at his eyes in a way that's a bit unnerving. Hinata only meets her gaze briefly before lowering his eyes to stare at her outfit. Breathing is hard. She doesn't seem to mind, but she does still speak to him. "My name is Aiko and this is my companion Kuroko. What's your name?"

"Hinata," he says stiffly, sinking slightly into Sugawara. The slight movement jostles his spine, and Hinata squeezes his eyes closed with a groan.

"Hey Hinata, Kuroko has super gentle hands. He's going to take your vitals, and he has to touch your arm and neck to do that. Can he?" Aiko asks gently. Hinata meets her gaze again. He likes her, she's steady. He nods. "Great. Can you tell me where you're hurting?"

"Spine. Hips, both legs." Hinata can only speak in chopped sentences, but it seems to get the message across. He feels his right leg jerk as a new wave of pain overtakes him, and hisses a breath between his teeth. His jaw hurts from how hard he's clenching it. The teen doesn't flinch when soft fingers press lightly to the crook of his elbow.

"I know you're in pain, Hinata, so bear with me," the woman says. "Your friends said you passed out. Was it because of the pain?" Tears spring in Hinata's eyes as he shakes his head.

"I-I couldn't feel them. Only the pain." He stutters, dropping his gaze down to his legs. He breathes deeply and attempts to lift his left one. The limb twitches, tries to rise but ends up falling back down. Terror squeezes his throat because in all his years of living, running, jumping Hinata has _never had a problem moving his legs_. Aiko sets a gentle hand on his knee, keeping him from moving.

"It's good that you can move them, but let's figure out what's bothering you beneath the surface before you try again, yeah?" The paramedic says gently. She gestures off to one side, and the volleyball team parts to reveal two others with a stretcher help between them. At the sight of it, Hinata tenses.

"No!" He cries, tears springing in his eyes. "I can walk, just don't make me lie down!"

"H-Hinata..." Kageyama's quiet voice is laced with pity, and Hinata can't meet his friend's gaze. The paramedics go quiet for a minute.

"I can walk, it's just painful," Hinata quietly amends, staring straight into Aiko's eyes. The woman hesitates for a moment, staring at him before nodding.

"Okay, let me help you to the ambulance."

Hinata grits his teeth, and with the help of Suga and Aiko, he rises.

{}

Hinata's mother is frantic when she flies into the room. She takes one look at her son, sitting upright in a hospital bed, and bursts into tears. Shouyou, being a sympathetic crier, follows quickly after, and they sit together for a small while just sobbing in each other's arms. After a while, a man comes into the room. He's tall, wearing a dark blue uniform with a pen tucked into his breast pocket. Hinata calms himself, though his face feels dry and irritated from the tear tracks.

"Hello, Shouyou and Mrs. Hinata," he greets. "My name is Doctor Tatsuya. We're going to give you blood work and x-rays to eliminate some of the possibilities for what's causing you pain, Shouyou," he says kindly. "An MRI is the last resort." Hinata's mother nods, determination in her eyes.

"Whatever it takes," she says. Hinata perks up suddenly at what the doctor said.

"I can't– I can't lie down," he says quietly, his heart withering at his inability to do something so _simple_.

"That's okay," the man replies with a small, reassuring smile, "with your consent we'll give you some anesthesia to let you rest for a bit."

He spends some more time with the two, before leaving them alone. Hinata's mother immediately begins to cry in earnest when they're alone again, although this time her sobs are silent. Hinata does his best to envelop her in his arms, offering a small smile.

"Oh, baby..." The woman croons softly, brushing her hand against his cheek in a featherlight touch. "I'm sorry I didn't do something sooner, I'm sorry I didn't notice–"

"Don't," Hinata cuts her off roughly, needing her to understand. "It's not your fault, mom. I should have said something sooner, I should have told you, I–" he chokes on a sob, trying to gather himself to be strong. "Let's just be glad we're here now, mom. Okay?" He says gently. His mother smiles, and even with red cheeks and weary eyes, she looks beautiful.

"Of course, Shouyou."

{}

The blood work and x-rays take longer than Hinata is comfortable to get over with. He stays in the hospital the whole time, and he nearly cries when he gets a full night of sleep when given a large dose of morphine and other pain meds (although he does sleep sitting up).

His friends visit him, all of them in intervals, but it is Kageyama and Sugawara who come the most. Hinata always smiles when they're in the room. Sugawara sits on the edge of his bed on one such visit with Daichi standing next to him. Kageyama sits furthest away, on the plastic couch against the far wall. His back is impeccably straight, his arms crossed over his chest. Hinata notices that the setter hasn't looked him directly in the eye– only when the smaller teen is looking away does he stare. It's been like this all week, the entirety of his stay in the hospital. Hinata has a feeling why he's acting that way, and it's quickly making a bubble of anger inflate in his chest.

"Hey, Suga?" He asks innocently. "Can you go and grab me a drink from the vending machine near the waiting room?"

The two have a silent conversation with their eyes, and Suga crooks one corner of his lips up in an encouraging smile.

"Sure thing, Hinata. C'mon Daichi, let's go look at their options."

And then it's just the two of them.

Hinata stares openly at Kageyama, seeing how the boy's entire body is tensed like a coil of wire.

"This isn't because of you or anything, you know that right?" He blurts, glaring at the dark-haired teen. Said teen doesn't budge. "Oi, Idiotyama, look at me."

As if to spite him, Kageyama settles his own dark glare on Hinata. They remain in their silent battle of wills for a few moments, but Hinata is the one who emerges victorious when his partner looks away. The sadness he sees in Kageyama's eyes makes his heart clench.

"Ka–"

"I'm sorry," the boy says abruptly. Hinata just stays quiet, lets him continue. "If I hadn't pushed you like that you wouldn't have–"

"I would have eventually, though," Hinata soothes. He pats the space on the bed next to him encouragingly, and Kageyama slowly approaches. Hinata notices he acts a bit like a frightened animal. "I've been feeling off for a while now. You just saved me some time, I guess."

"I noticed. Why didn't you say anything?" Kageyama settles next to him, though he keeps his distance. He can't mask the hurt in his expression, and the genuine confusion in his eyes is enough to make Hinata wince.

"I did. The herniated disk? I thought that's all it was– and maybe it still is. But everything I read about that said it would go away on its own." Hinata tries to explain. Kageyama stares at him incredulously. His face falls into a deep frown, drawing a small laugh from the bedridden boy. "I know, I know, I'm a dumbass don't even say it." Still, Kageyama huffs and reaches forward to gently ( _very_ gently) punch Shouyou in the shoulder.

"Idiot."

The two boys share a quiet laugh, treasuring this peaceful moment between them.

{}

Hinata is scared to be knocked out with anesthesia. He's a natural extrovert, he draws his energy from being around other people and making friends where people tell him there are no relationships to be cultivated. But now, sitting on the edge of the bed with an IV in his hand and three people bustling around him in silence, Hinata feels awfully alone.

"Everything will be okay," one of the nurses reassures him, but the words sound empty. Rehearsed. Shouyou offers as bright a smile as he can manage, but he still feels the fear curl in his chest. It snakes around his lungs, squeezing softly as if to remind him _I'm here, I'm here_. He hasn't felt this despair since... middle school.

His mother stares at him from her place across the room, trying to offer comfort with her presence alone. It helps, a bit.

"Alright, Shouyou, we're going to give you the anesthesia now. You might taste or smell something salty like the ocean, if you're sensitive to the saline. It'll be over before you know it, okay?"

Hesitantly, the boy nods, his skin prickling with uncertainty. He doesn't have the strength to maintain a smile anymore, can only squeeze the edge of the bed in a white-knuckled grip. The sheets crinkle under his hands.

Hinata sticks his tongue out at the sudden salty taste in his mouth. He feels drowsy, feels his body falling to the side and into someone's arms as if it's too heavy to stay upright.

And then he knows no more.

Hinata decides that he doesn't like waking up in unfamiliar places. His tongue feels like lead in his mouth, and everything is blurry but bright. He licks his lips and makes an unintelligible sound.

"Oh, you're awake," a distant voice echoes. "We're taking you to your room now. It's normal to feel a bit disoriented after anesthesia, but it will pass soon."

Hinata doesn't like this woman. She's too detached, too far from comforting when he can't speak past jumbled garbles. He notes that he's laying down, but his brain doesn't have the capacity to feel happy in the relaxed state because he feels _too_ relaxed. Like he's trapped. He flops his head from left to right, trying to move, get his blood flowing and _wake up_.

"Shouyou!" His mother's voice is like healing balm on an open wound. "You said I could be there when he woke up!" The venom in her tone is directed to someone else, in defense of him. She nestles one hand in his hair, and he finally stills as she combs her fingers along his scalp.

Hinata allows himself to sleep voluntarily with her there, to finally find relief in lying down. It also helps him feel like he has a bit of control, to escape his lax state.

When next he wakes, it's to a clear mind and an empty stomach. The teen flexes his fingers and swallows thickly, relief blooming in his chest when he hums clearly and can actually make a sound without a struggle. Anesthesia is scary.

People are in and out of his room constantly, and Hinata makes conversation with all of them. He may not know why he's still here, but he'll definitely make others happy if they're going to take care of him! Soon, the first doctor he met enters the room with a folder in hand. Shouyou doesn't like the grim look on his face, but the boy smiles at him anyway.

"Hello, Doctor Tatsuya!" He greets jovially. The doctor stops suddenly and stares at him.

The moment stretches on.

"Hello, Shouyou," he finally greets, tone soft. "How are you feeling?"

"Great! But the anesthesia was _blegh_ and I felt all _mgeh_ when I woke up."

"Sorry to hear about that," the doctor says frowning. He shakes his head and opens his folder. "I've got good news and bad news, Hinatas."

"Good news first!" Hinata chirps. The doctor shoots him what he interprets to be a pitying glance.

Hinata's stomach drops to his feet.

"Alright. Well, the bloodwork all came back in good health. Your bones are strong and healthy, the x-rays displayed nothing negative of note. It's the MRI that gave us results, and we now know what's causing you so much pain."

"What is it?" Hinata's mother asks, worrying her lip. The man opts to stand near the mother and her son, opening his folder and displaying a picture bathed in greys and blacks. Hinata _wow_ 's softly in awe as the male points out _his_ image. He sees his spine, his vertebrae, a thin line where his stomach rested when he was in the MRI.

"It's a rare condition." The doctor points to two white blobs located in Hinata's spine, explaining as he goes. "They're called Myxopapillary Ependymomas. Your case is special because these have not only formed in your spine, but there's more than one. They're a manifestation of brain cancer."

Shouyou's world cracks.

"There are a couple of options for treatment. Since Shouyou is still a minor, he'll be sent to a pediatrics facility. The closest one that specializes in this type of condition is in Tokyo. Surgery is the first and most effective line of offense and defense for these tumors. A full recession is the best way to ensure that they never come back."

There are tears streaming down his mother's face. Hinata's smile feels fake on his face, but his tears haven't yet fallen. He takes one look at his mother's broken expression and decides he will be strong. _For her_.

"How soon can we go to Tokyo?" She asks.

"Tomorrow."

"Don't worry, Shouyou," Tatsuya tries in a reassuring tone as if he hasn't just told a _kid_ that he has _brain cancer_. "The facility in Tokyo has one of the best surgeons in the country. You'll be in good hands."

Shouyou can only smile and nod, feeling the world fall out from beneath his feet.

The doctor leaves them, and Hinata sits on the bed, staring down at his mother who sobs as she buries her face in his legs. He doesn't mention that the pressure is a shock to his already pain-weary system. He rubs small circles into her back, humming quietly.

"O-Oh Shouyou, I'm sorry baby," she chokes, her voice muffled and quiet. "I wish th-this didn't have to happen to you, why _you_ –"

"It's okay, mom," Hinata says with a small, reassuring smile. He nudges her to lift her head and look at him. "This is just something that we'll have to be strong enough to overcome together."

He hesitates then, and pulls her into a hug.

"I'll be okay," he says, silent tears streaming down his cheeks. His chest feels hollow, but the reality of the situation hasn't quite set in yet. The tears dry up a lot quicker than he thought they would, but as he looks at his mother he feels a genuine smile quirk his lips. "Can you get my friends here today? I want to see them before we leave tomorrow."

"Of course, sweetie."

Hinata wants to tell them all at once. With everyone already worried enough as it is, they manage to pull the entire team together in time for an afternoon visit. Takeda and Ukai are there as well. So it's plagued with a feeling of disbelief that the boy tells his friends the news.

"They said... I have tumors in my back," Shouyou says quietly. The room is like its own little silent world. The bustling beyond its doors doesn't reach its occupants. "I have to go to Tokyo to get them removed, and we're leaving tomorrow."

"Tumors?" Daichi asks quietly, staring at the redhead in shock. Hinata stares back, blinking slowly. He nods his head once.

"Yeah," he replies. "Still hasn't really set in yet, I guess. At least I know what's been causing all these problems, though!" A smile slips on his lips, unbidden. It feels wrong, the way it stretches his cheeks unnaturally. Everything feels wrong. The pain thrums in his spine, duller now that he's still on pain meds.

"What about volleyball?" Kageyama asks suddenly, standing stiff as a board. His fists are clenched by his sides. He and Hinata stare at each other, and the rest watch with bated breath. Hinata's mother shifts by his side, apparently not happy with the question.

"We haven't spoken to the surgeon yet. Shouyou's health comes first–"

"I will play again," Shouyou says resolutely, cutting her off. "I'll be back before you know it. I will."

Kageyama nods, offering nothing else. Hinata grins, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

{}

The drive to Tokyo is complete hell.

Hinata thinks that he shouldn't be given pain meds if they aren't going to _fucking work_. Excuse his language, but the teen is kind of wishing to pass out because holy _hell_ it feels like liquid magma is being poured down his entire lower body.

It starts, as expected, in his lower spine. Apparently, the source of everything had been the uppermost tumor, which still rests pretty low in his spinal column. Something about his nerves being compressed, the explanation really went over Hinata's head honestly, but he's starting to wish he had stressed to the doctor how much it hurt because the only thing he can do is sit and _bear_ it and hope they arrive sooner than they're supposed to. Every little rumble the car makes twists the lance of pain that is buried in his back even deeper. Hinata can't keep soft noises of pain from escaping, and his mother shoots him worried looks from where she sits behind the wheel. Natsu is quiet in the back seat, staring at her brother with wide-eyed worry.

Hinata has to have his mom stop the car five times in the hour-and-a-half it takes them to drive there. He feels like he's run a marathon by the time they park at the building and make their way inside. Their goal is the fourth floor: the neurosurgery department.

They have a meeting with a surgeon right away, but Hinata can do nothing but stand up and let the man examine him as he grinds his teeth. On a scale of one to ten, the pain is at an eleven, now, he tells him. He attempts to bounce on the balls of his feet to shake some of the tension from his body, but this only exacerbates the electricity buzzing beneath his skin, so he stills quickly. He decides to focus entirely on the surgeon's words as he points to a computer screen with his MRI image pulled up.

"The reason you're feeling the things you are is that the tumors are compressing your spinal cord. This," he gestures to a grouping of white lines in Hinata's spine, that float freely in the middle of his spinal column before abruptly being shoved to one side and disappearing next to the brightness of the tumor, "is where your upper tumor is causing most of the problems. Although this condition is rare, we see these circumstances a lot more than you think, so you have nothing to worry about. We'll go in and do a full recession, and you'll be back on your feet in no time."

"Will I still be able to play volleyball?" Hinata blurts, completely ignoring his own brain-to-mouth filter. The doctor smiles at him, and his heartbeat speeds up.

"With the normal success rate of this surgery, I think you will. But" he warns, wagging a finger at Hinata's blissed expression, "it will be at least a few months before you can do anything beyond speed walking. You'll also have to come in for bi-monthly appointments for the next year to make sure we don't miss anything. We'll schedule your surgery for Monday."

It's Friday.

For a moment, fear shakes his entire being. _Can I really wait that long?_ He thinks of the lightning in his hips, the fuzzy weakness that makes his legs shake. Thinks of the tight fist that squeezes tightly around that _one_ point in his back. Can he really deal with that for four more days? The doctor sets a gentle hand on his shoulder, shaking Hinata from his spiraling thoughts.

"I see how much pain you're in, and that's why I'll be admitting you today. We'll have you on a concoction of medication to manage your pain, okay? It'll be here and done before you know it."

Hinata hates that that makes him feel better. He hates that he has tumors in his spine. He hates that this is happening to him, now ( _or even at all_ ).

{}

On Saturday, Hinata is pleasantly surprised by a visit from Kenma, Kuroo and, most surprisingly of all, Bokuto. He blinks at the three unexpected visitors.

"Kenma?"

"And Kuroo and Uncle Bokuto!" Bokuto crows, throwing his head back in a loud laugh. Hinata can't help but mirror his senior's infectious smile with one of his own, though it isn't quite as radiant. As the three enter the room, Hinata spies a game console in Kenma's hand, and he scoots over so that his friend can sit by his side without disturbing the IV in his hand. Hinata is able to wear a loose top and bottoms, so the nurses can still administer what they need to without any problems, but he can still be comfortable. Kuroo's gaze lingers on his form for a few seconds too long, but the shorter male opts not to point it out. The pain in his back is reduced to a sharp ache now with the medication he's taking, but Hinata thinks it safer to stay sitting up than risk lying down.

The boy turns to his mother, who greets Kuroo and Bokuto with a tired smile. He bites his lip, and then masks his worried expression.

"Why don't you and Natsu go back to the hotel and take some time to relax." Hinata gains his mom's attention and then gives her a supportive smile. The woman hesitates, but her son soldiers on. "My friends are here now, and you've been up a lot. You deserve some rest. I promise to call you later."

"Are you sure, Shou?" She asks softly, leaning forward to brush the back of her hand against his cheek. He nestles into the touch before nodding.

"Yep! I'm sure these guys will be great company." She searches his face, tired eyes scanning his every feature before she nods.

"Okay." She relents, grabbing her purse and heading toward the door. "I'll be back later, okay?"

Hinata smiles and waves at his mother, waiting for her to leave his view completely before letting his smile drop. Kenma has settled beside him, leaning against his shoulder as he taps away at his handheld console. Bokuto drapes himself at the foot of the bed, and Kuroo drags a chair over to the side to be close to the three. Hinata sighs quietly as he curls further into Kenma, and absently thinks his friend's shoulder is bony and thin– or, wait, is that his own shoulder?

"And when was the last time you slept a full night?" Kuroo asks in a quiet voice, raising an accusing eyebrow. Hinata sighs and rubs his eyes harshly.

"Not for a while," he responds truthfully.

"What happened, Hinata?" Bokuto asks, staring at the younger boy with a serious expression. He settles into a cross-legged pose, his hands on his knees as he leans forward. "Kuroo was the one who called me, saying that Karasuno's own chibi had to be admitted to the hospital." Hinata keeps one ear on the soft sound effects being produced from Kenma's game ( _it distracts him, keeps him calm_ ) as he answers.

"I honestly don't know. My back's been hurting for a while now but it wasn't really–"

"If you say it 'wasn't a big deal' I will break my pacifist pact and punch you," Kenma says nonchalantly, not taking his eyes off his game. Hinata blinks at him.

The four fall into silence.

"But... it wasn't." Before Kenma can raise his arm, Hinata leans away from him, rushing to explain. "I didn't completely ignore it! It just started as, like, a pulled muscle feeling. When it got worse I _did_ ask Coach Ukai for some time off. It just never got better."

"What's 'it'?" Kuroo asks, tilting his head curiously. Hinata grabs at the air, groaning as he fails to describe it. A lightbulb goes off above his head as he reaches forward to grip Kuroo's arm, glad that the older male lets him. The boy brushes a strand of orange hair away from his own eyes with his free hand as he slowly begins to squeeze Kuroo's wrist with more and more pressure.

"It was like that, but with superhuman strength and inside my spine," Hinata says, nodding firmly. "That's how I'd put it."

"But you–"

"Kuroo," Kenma warns suddenly, shooting the captain a sharp look. Hinata looks between the two with a confused expression.

"Well well, we're here to save you from boredom now, little chibi!" Bokuto says, back to his flamboyant self. Hinata feels like he's going to get whiplash from how the mood in the room is changing so rapidly.

"Kenma really just wanted an excuse to come see you so you could give him some insight on his new game," Kuroo says, rolling his eyes with crossed arms. Hinata snorts before he turns to eye Kenma with the unspoken question on his tongue. The quiet Nekoma player just shrugs, neither confirming nor denying the claim. Shouyou laughs this time, leaning back into Kenma as he watches him navigate the open-world game he's playing.

Kuroo and Bokuto chatter in the background, a pleasant sound that keeps Hinata's brain occupied. They stay with him until visiting hours are over, and the sky is dark outside his window. Hinata manages to convince his mother to stay at the nearby hotel with Natsu, saying that she can stay overnight with him all she wants after he's had his operation.

Late at night, Hinata leans against the small mountain of pillows and waits for sleep to come to him. The nurses make their rounds every hour, but they don't bother him directly. The boy is left alone with his thoughts, and with the dull pain that's made friends with his body.

( _pain pain pain_ )

He feels hollow.

{}

The surgeon was right. Before Shouyou knows it, the day of his surgery is here, and he's _beyond_ frightened. He's in a new room on a new bed with wheels, and his mother is standing by his side with Natsu in her arms. She grips Shouyou's hand in her free one, squeezing the life from his limb. Though his body shakes, though his chest trembles, though the tears want so _badly_ to fall, Hinata merely smiles at his mother and squeezes back.

"It'll be okay, mom," he says quietly, and it takes all he has to keep his smile intact, to keep his lips from wobbling, "I'll be back soon."

"I'll be waiting, Shou," she replies, giving him a watery smile. Hinata has to let go of her hand to be wheeled back into surgery, and as soon as his back is to her he lets the tears fall silently, grabbing onto the front of the hospital gown in a desperate attempt to keep his hands from fidgeting too much. It doesn't calm his erratic heartbeat. He's just so _scared_ to be putting his health in someone else's hands completely.

The room he's pushed into is small, and there are seven people already in it, including the surgeon. Shouyou tries not to be too disturbed by all the motion going on around him while he's forced to sit still.

"Hiya hun, my name's Nessa," a tan woman says, her foreign accent thick, "what's your name?"

"I'm Shouyou," he replies, a bit breathlessly. The tears have stopped, but he still feels like he wants to cry more.

"No worries, Shouyou, what's your favorite fruit?"

He blinks at the randomness of the question.

"Um... watermelon?" He phrases it almost like a question. The nurse smiles at him, waving off his uncertainty. She disappears from sight and returns a moment later, with an oxygen mask attached to a thick tube in her hands.

"Breathe into this for me will you, dear? I hear you play volleyball, do you play any other sports?" Nessa continues. The oxygen actually _tastes_ like watermelon, and Shouyou laughs slightly at the delightful taste. It's a bit hard to talk through it, but the prospect of talking about his favorite sport helps.

"Nope, only volleyball! I'm a wing spiker, and I've loved it ever since middle school."

He's talking to Nessa about volleyball, telling her all about how he _flies_ and he doesn't even feel tired, there's no countdown Hinata just _blinks_ and–

There is a white ceiling above him. Hinata stares vacantly, feeling very confused.

"Huh?" He says dumbly, and a few different things register at once.

First, there's a poster of a very severe-looking, dark-skinned man with an eyepatch plastered on the ceiling directly above him. Second, his mother's warm voice is calling his name, her presence at his side. Third, he's lying flat on his back. He's _lying down_ , with no pain in his system at all.

"Mom, am I really lying down?" Sue him, he just has to confirm that this isn't a dream.

"Yes, baby, you are! How do you feel?"

Shouyou promptly bursts into tears.

When Hinata is settled back into his new hospital room that will be his home-away-from-home, he has a few things he has to process.

One, he actually can't feel his legs now. He had panicked at first when he realized this, but the doctor had calmly explained that a medication distributor had been inserted into his spine during the surgery– an epidural, he called it. This is what is not only making his legs numb, but everything below his sternum, as well.

Second, he's able to sleep, lying down flat on his back, without worrying about literal spikes digging into his flesh and driving him crazy from the pain. The boy wants to get up and move and _jump_ , but he knows now that he will never take for granted this small luxury again. He didn't think he'd ever be grateful for something so simple.

Third, he'll be able to play volleyball again. Hinata thinks he'll have to run out of tears at some point, with how much crying he's done recently, but he thinks he deserves a bit of a break. He _has_ just been told he'll actually be able to play again, after all.

He has to stay lying down on his back for the next forty-eight hours for whatever reason, but Hinata is feeling antsy after the first eighteen ( _the only reason he's lasted this long is because he spent most of it sleeping_ ). Kenma and Kuroo pay him another visit, this time without Bokuto, but Hinata is glad to see his friends all the same. His smiles feel more natural this time, and he can tell Kuroo is happy as he gently ruffles his hair with a smirk on his face. Hinata _really_ wants to sit up, but every now and then when he shifts minutely his entire body feels wrong, so he grits his teeth and tells himself to just... wait. Patiently.

His mother calls Coach Ukai, and tells the team of the success of his surgery. They couldn't come to him in Tokyo because they still have school and practice, but Hinata is ecstatic to hear their voices all the same. He can tell some are crying, but they're happy tears.

He's going to _fly_ again. This revelation hits his chest like a ton of bricks in the middle of the second night, right before he can sit up and stand and walk again (and the meds have been decreasing in dosage so he can finally feel his butt again, woo). He wakes his mother with his loud sobbing unintentionally. She's frantic at first, thinking him to be in pain, but Hinata merely shakes his head, a happy smile stretching his face. Understanding his feelings, his wonderful mother merely strokes his hair until he falls back asleep, the corners of her eyes crinkling with her small smile. A giddy feeling lifts the weight that had been keeping him grounded, and Hinata relishes in it.

Shoyou feels like he's on top of the world.

At least, until he doesn't.

He didn't realize how hard re-learning things would be. Something as mundane as _walking_? Nearly impossible. Hinata can hardly make it twenty feet before he's winded, leaning heavily on the IV stand that he has to drag around with him. He also can’t fully stand up on his own, always having to lean on someone or grip a helpful hand before he gets his balance. The new development is disheartening.

The nurses shoot him pitying looks when he asks them to help him take longer walks. He hates it when his back starts hurting again, but not like before; it confines him like an old man, whispering to him _okay young man, you've been up enough so now I'm going to force you to lay down again_. He's able to glance in the mirror, looking back at himself with the help of his mother ( _she has dark, dark eyebags from sleeping less because of him and her shoulders are perpetually slumped. hinata hates that_ he's _the one who's making her feel that_.)

He has two scars on his spine, directly on the bumps of his vertebrae. They're ugly, purple marks lined with black stitches that sit low on his back, one between his hipbones and the other a little higher. Against the pale expanse of his skin, they stand out glaringly; a physical manifestation of what is keeping him in this state of weakness.

The happiness has darkened, somewhat. But Hinata doesn't give up.

{}

Hinata manages to convince his mom to go back to the hotel to sleep for a night. A week has passed since his surgery, and the most he's managed to do is walk down a short hall outside of his room. The nurses praise him for his progress, but Hinata grits his teeth. He needs to do more. At this rate, the entire year will be over before he'll even be able to step on the court!

 _An exaggeration, but Hinata has already spent enough time away from the thing that brings him the most joy in the world_.

He's feeling snappish, and he really doesn't want to hurt his mother unintentionally, so he sends her away for some rest of her own. The smile he gives her as he shoos her away is cracked at the edges, fraying apart with his patience. Why can't he just heal _faster_ , do _more_?

When he insists the nurse let him walk around for the second time that afternoon, soon after he's left alone in his room, she relents with a lenient smile. He feels just as tired, just as hopeless when he feels his knees shake when he takes too wide of a step and she grips his arm to support him. Hinata takes a deep breath, nodding to her, before finishing his round down the hallway. It's small, not too big of a step, but Hinata smiles as he settles back down on his side in his room. That's the only way he can lie down while his incisions throb and swell. The teen remembers vaguely what the surgeon said about that; since they had to do a full laminectomy and take out a part of his spine, some of the fluid from inside it leaks out and makes the scars swell if he stands up for too long.

He also mentioned that Hinata now has to contend with a plate and a few screws in his spine. Go figure. He won't let that hold him back, though. He'll be damned before that stops him from returning to ( _and maybe even exceeding_ ) his full potential.

To Hinata's surprise, Kenma shows up to stay the night with him in his mother's absence. The boy feels conflicted by the choice made by his friend, but he accepts him with a smile. Maybe Kenma can help him walk more?

As it turns out, the Nekoma setter takes him up to the roof the following morning. Hinata has to mask the scowl on his face when he has to be pushed in a wheelchair since the journey between their destination and his room on the third floor would be too much. It's a weird transition, because Hinata still isn't strong enough to stand on his own again so his friend hovers nearby as he slides off the bed to touch his feet to the floor. The gown covering him shifts, and Hinata can sense Kenma's gaze on him as he settles into the chair.

Apparently, since the surgery had involved his nervous system, the surgeon had to check his reflexes with needles while he was unconscious to make sure nothing was damaged. There are small bruises littering his legs, from his pelvis all the way down to his ankles. Hinata doesn't like the way they stick out on his skin, and hastily rearranges his clothing to cover more of him.

Kenma doesn't say anything as he pushes him through the halls. Hinata is left to his thoughts, and part of him is relieved by his friend's quiet but reassuring presence.

Feeling the sun on his face is a relief. The rays warm him, all the way down to his bones, and Hinata tilts his head back and closes his eyes, feeling the light on his eyelids. A small smile settles on his lips, and he sits for a moment longer before moving. He places his hands on the armrests of the wheelchair, bracing himself with a soft breath.

Then, he stands.

And yes, his legs wobble, yes his spine feels weird, yes he grits his teeth when his body wants to give in to gravity and fall back down on the chair.

But he _stands_ , on his own two feet, with Kenma standing by his side with a knowing glint in his eyes. Shouyou breathes deeply, allows his chest to expand and his body to straighten. A small breeze ruffles his hair, the wind cooling his skin. Hinata allows the negative feelings to drift away with it, a genuine smile slipping onto his face. He takes a few steps forward toward the railing lining the roof, smiling down at the bustling town surrounding the downtown area.

It's small, but it's a step in the direction of progress.

{}

Hinata wakes up feeling incredibly, terribly _homesick_.

He stares at the white-paneled ceiling above him that's flecked with dark spots in the plaster. The window in his room doesn't allow for an excellent view, nor does it let a ton of the morning sunlight stream through his window as he lays still. He's on his back, but he slowly rolls onto his side, dragging one of the pillows from behind his head and hugging it to his chest. He's careful ( _that's all he can be these days because every movement reminds him that his spine, the very thing that is the pillar of his entire being, isn't right_ ).

Shouyou sobs, muffling the noise into his pillow and hating the deep hollowness in his chest.

He wants to be at _home_.

He wants to see his _friends_.

He wants to sleep in his own bed, taste his mother's cooking. He wants Kageyama to yell at him and call him a dumbass because he messed up their quick, and he wants him to look proud and shout _'yes!'_ when they pull it off. He wants Suga to ruffle his hair, he wants to watch Noya receive and cheer along with him when he pulls off a rolling thunder, he wants Tanaka to do his super-straight line shot and strip his shirt off while being yelled at by Daichi.

All of these things seem so far away, right now.

The tears dry up a lot more quickly than Hinata had expected, and he is left with only a deep ache, not painful, but heavy, in his chest. It's right between his collarbones, not quite where his heart rests. The boy stares up at the window, clenching the pillow in his fists tightly. He blinks slowly every now and then.

His mother gives him his space, having taken one look at him and moving to sit close to card her fingers through his hair without saying anything. Natsu sends her older brother curious glances, sitting on the uncomfortable couch-bed with a coloring book balanced on her knees. It's quiet, a quiet that is a lot heavier than the last few days have been. The only disturbance between the family of three comes in the form of a doctor, who knocks before striding in with a peppy smile on his face.

"Hello, Hinata!" He chirps, and Hinata can only offer him a small, vacant smile. The doctor turns his gaze to his mother. "Apologies for the sudden notice, ma'am, but it looks like we can discharge your son today."

_H-Huh?_

"He's been making excellent progress with his recovery, and I'll be briefing you more on the limitations he'll have to follow for the next few weeks. If you'd like, we can help with the papers for his discharge?"

_Excellent progress? I haven't even walked more than forty feet–!_

Hinata's mother's eyes light up.

"Yes, yes please!" She says, clasping her hands together.

"Of course, miss. We'll talk about scheduling Shouyou's appointments for an MRI every two months to monitor any abnormal activity that indicates the tumors haven't completely receded. You'll also have to stick around until tomorrow so we can have someone remove the external stitches before you go home, but I'll help you with everything you need."

And suddenly, things are moving too fast. Hinata goes through his usual routine of getting up: transferring his arms into a supportive position, slowly sitting up while keeping his spine straight, and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. It's exhausting, but the surgeon had stressed that he keeps his back straight for at least a few months. He is given a pair of clothes Kenma gifted him that fit a little too big, but he dawns them with quiet appreciation.

Shouyou knows he isn't ready to make the trip out to the car yet, so he'll have to be in his wheelchair for the journey. He adjusts the collar of the loose red sweatshirt, fiddling with the sleeves as his family leaves the hospital he's been staying at for over two weeks now. When they get to the car, Hinata has to lay down on his side in the back seat with a few pillows surrounding his form, because sitting up for too long gives him a splitting headache.

The teen crashes as soon as they reach their hotel, and doesn't wake until later that day. His mother offers to bring him back takeout, but he wants to get out– if he spends one more moment laying down and lazing around, he's going to fall into an _actual_ pit of insanity. His mother laughs at his adamancy to be up, a twinkle in her eyes that Shouyou's been missing for over two weeks now.

He smiles throughout dinner. The food tastes wonderful, and his sister and mother look radiant now that they're not worn down by stress and the threat of unknown illnesses.

{}

Hinata Shouyou is allowed to go home the following day. He has to go back to the hospital in the morning for a nurse to remove his stitches ( _which, wow, okay, he didn't think that would feel as weird as it did but it did_ ), but that goes by fairly quickly. Soon, he's laying on his side again in the car as his mother drives him home, humming under her breath to a song on the radio. Natsu is playing a game in the front seat, her demeanor a lot happier now that they’re going home.

He's elated to finally be going home, it's all he's thinking of.

Well, that and volleyball.

He wants to surprise the team and manages to get Coach Ukai in on the idea. So, with heavy bones and a light heart, Hinata asks his mom to drive him to the school so he can surprise them toward the end of practice. They get home before they leave again, and Natsu opts to stay home while Hinata gets in the car again. His back is protesting all the movement, but his boundless energy is trying to escape the confines of his tired body. Even if it's just to see them, Hinata wants to go to his team again.

His mother frets about him and his every move, flitting about like a nervous hummingbird.

Hinata smiles at her, lets her help him out of the car. She hovers by his elbow as he makes his way toward the gym. He can't rest, because he knows if he sits down he won't have the strength to get back up for a while, so he soldiers on with stiff, short strides that quicken when he sees the gym up ahead. He nods to his mother, who throws open the door. The boy steps forward, right into the middle of a practice that halts when he appears. His teammates stare at him with complete shock.

"Hinata?!" Suga finally screams, kicking everyone into action. Ukai is immediately by Hinata's side, waving his arms frantically when it looks like Tanaka and Nishinoya are going to jump on their underclassman.

"Oi oi, back up you gremlins don't glom him! Seriously, the kid just got back from surgery!" The man shouts, obviously distressed and trying to keep the teenagers from jumping on the injured boy.

"Hey guys!" Hinata calls, smiling widely. "Surprise!"

"Ukai told us you weren't coming back until this weekend!" Kageyama says, pointing an accusing finger at the shorter male. Everyone gathers around, ecstatic to see their #10 on his feet.

"That's kinda the point of a surprise, Idiotyama," Hinata says, rolling his eyes playfully. "We just got back home today! And I got my stitches removed this morning!"

"Wait wait, you _just_ got your stitches removed?" Daichi asks, looking bewildered. "Should you even be on your feet?"

"Shouyou, you should sit," from behind him, his mother's concerned voice causes him to glance back at her, "your back is swelling a bit, how are you feeling?"

Well, now that attention is brought to it Shouyou _is_ feeling a bit fatigued. Something must show in his expression because suddenly he is being ushered over to the bench to sit and rest. The others gather around him, sitting in a loose circle on the floor.

"Man, it's great to see you up again!" Nishinoya says, leaning his weight so far forward he nearly topples over. Hinata chuckles, the beaming smile on his face beginning to hurt his cheeks.

"Okay, but how are you feeling, Hinata?" Tanaka says, his indoor voice nonexistent.

"It's _amazing_ , Tanaka!" Hinata chirps, closing his eyes as he tilts his head back a bit. "I can't even feel the pain anymore, it's all gone!" He pouts. "The doctor said it'll be a while before I can actually come back to volleyball, though."

"Were you..." Yamaguchi starts, clearly hesitating with his words. "Were you in a lot of pain, before?" Hinata stops to think about it, his smile slowly fading.

"I guess so." He responds reluctantly. He dips his head, not wanting to see the looks on anyone's faces. "I kind of got used to it. It was just a chance thing, really. Either it would go away on its own or it wouldn't. I was hoping it just wasn't a big deal."

"You literally passed out," Daichi says with a raised eyebrow. "I'm glad it ultimately lead to you getting help, but that seemed pretty major to me."

"It really gave us a scare," Suga jumps in, smiling softly at Hinata as the latter scratches the back of his head sheepishly. "We didn't know why you suddenly passed out."

"Yeah, I didn't want that to happen," Hinata admits.

"You're such a dumbass," Kageyama deadpans. "Who wants to pass out? And why would you even keep something like that to yourself?" There is something biting underneath the tall boy's condescending tone. Hinata can sense it, can read between the lines of worry and anger. He doesn't comment on it, though– opts to wait so they can confront whatever _that_ is later.

"I got it treated, didn't I?" Hinata snarks, blinking stupidly at his setter.

"Really, you have the brain of a simpleton," Tsukishima says bluntly. Hinata's dumbfounded look turns into a glare.

"Hey!"

"Alright, alright," Ennoshita claps his hands twice, "Hinata literally got back a minute ago, let's not insult him, yeah?"

"I'll agree to that." Kinoshita raises a hand and waves it back and forth, exaggerating the motion. Hinata laughs but quickly cuts himself off with a wince when a deep breath hits his sternum particularly hard. He catches Kageyama's worried gaze but shakes his head, allowing himself to breathe for a moment.

"Shouyou," his mother says softly, and he can feel her hands on his shoulders, "let's head home so you can get some rest, okay sweetie? You can come to see the team again in a few days."

Hinata would acquiesce to his mother's very valid and very reasonable point, but now that he's back at the gym he really doesn't want to. Something that isn't quite adrenaline hums in his veins, flowing and growing the longer he's in his court. He wants to _play_. Or, at least touch the ball–

"We're at the end of practice, anyway," Daichi says, taking the initiative to rise to his feet. The others soon follow, small chatters of conversation happening here and there. "Hinata, you're more than welcome to come back tomorrow, _as long_ as you don't do anything you aren't supposed to." Hinata wilts a bit under the stern glare of his captain, but nods anyway. He rises to his feet, careful to keep his balance, and then takes a moment to orient his body to its new position. He doesn't like standing still as much– it puts too much pressure on his hips, all his upper body weight settling right where his lower scar is. It feels disconcerting.

He misses the concerned gazes being thrown his way.

The boy says his goodbyes to everyone, smiling as he's surrounded by his teammates for the final time that evening. His mother leads the way to the door, speaking quietly with Ukai about something Hinata doesn't care to eavesdrop on. The orange-haired boy ends up walking side-by-side with Kageyama as the others disperse to clean the gym.

"I guess I won't be able to stay late with you for a while, huh?" Hinata asks quietly. He can hear the wistfulness in his own voice, and he tries to plaster on the smile. The taller teen isn't convinced, and grabs the top of Hinata's head to ruffle his hair. He's startled by the sudden grip on his head, and Hinata laughs softly.

"Just focus on getting better," Kageyama replies, rolling his eyes. Hinata can see the undercurrents of worry in the shine of his eyes, the way Kageyama pulls his hand back before he can really put pressure on his grip. Something warms in his chest at the quiet shows of care. Just as a small smile blooms on his face, Sugawara's voice catches his attention.

"Wait a second!" He calls, legging it to the two younger boys. Hinata cocks his head when he stops in front of them. "Now listen Hinata, we'd love to have you around but if you ever go over your limit because you're stubborn I will _personally_ kick you out for as long as I feel like it." Sugawara threatens, a pleasant smile on his face. Hinata thinks that his threatening words are made scarier by the male's sunny demeanor. He sweat drops.

"I-I promise not to overdo it!" He squeaks, stepping back slightly. In a blink, Suga's smile turns soft.

"We want you to make a full recovery, Hinata," he says quietly. He reaches forward to squeeze his shoulder, and Hinata leans into the touch. "It's a strange thing that's happened, but we're just glad you're okay."

"If you need any help with schoolwork, Tsukki and I will be glad to help!" Yamaguchi chirps, walking past the trio with a cheerful wave. Tsukishima walks beside him, staring straight ahead.

"Don't volunteer me for something I won't do," he deadpans, huffing quietly.

"Sorry, Tsukki."

"Meh, he's a total softy and you know it," Nishinoya calls, grinning mischievously at Hinata. The slightly-taller boy returns the look with a grin of his own.

"Our very own dino-boy, all huffy and NOT offering to help his fellow out with the disgrace that is school." Tanaka's loud voice cuts across the gym, the teen working with Kinoshita to move one of the poles to the closet.

"Dino-boy?" Hinata asks, frowning in confusion. Beside him, Kageyama huffs a quiet snicker behind his hand. Now he's really curious.

"Oho, that's right you weren't there!" Tanaka yells, a glint in his eye that makes Hinata want to run and hide. He fights the urge, wanting to know how the blond got the nickname. During his absence?

"Hey Tanaka, Kiyoko wants to talk to you by the school gates," Tsukishima pops his head back into the gym, he and Yamaguchi apparently having not left yet.

"NO WAY!" In a blink, both Tanaka and Nishinoya practically fly out the doors, disappearing into the evening. Those present blink dumbly, not quite comprehending what just happened until Tsukishima coughs suspiciously loudly into his hand.

"Well, looks like we all need to head home for the night. Bye," he says without any emotion. He turns on his heel and strides away confidently. Yamaguchi offers the others a sheepish shrug and a _"see you tomorrow!"_ before he follows.

"Kiyoko didn't want to talk to them, did she?" Hinata asks faintly, fighting back a laugh.

"What did I not want to talk about?" A soft voice asks, and Hinata turns to see the team manager emerging from the small staircase that leads up to the second-floor balcony. Sugawara facepalms.

"I think that's enough excitement for tonight, boys," Ukai cuts in, leaning against the doorway with an amused glint in his eyes. "Ginger, your mom's waiting."

"Right, sorry!" The teen turns and offers a big wave to everyone. "I'll come back tomorrow!"

"Only if you rest up well," Daichi says, squinting at the shorter boy. Hinata chuckles, giving out his promises and last _goodnight!_ 's before turning and meeting his mother outside the gym.

Hinata knows the instant that he's back in the car, lying on his side, that he's overdone it. His spine feels stiff and his skin is sticky with sweat. _Just from walking to the gym? Really?_ He didn't even do anything! Huffing quietly and fighting the rising tide of emotions in his chest, Hinata makes quiet conversation with his mom while they drive home. He allows himself to bask in the contentment that comes with seeing his friends when he needed them the most.

When he gets home, he tells his mother he's going to bed and makes his way upstairs to change and gently lay down in his cocoon of pillows and blankets prepared by Natsu ( _the gesture is really what kickstarts it, honestly_ ). In the darkness of his room, frustrated tears stream down his cheeks. He was only up for _twenty minutes_ , and he's already tired? Feels like he spent a whole entire day running with no breaks?

He doesn't feel dizzy anymore, but there are two large lumps on his back where his incisions have swollen in protest of him being upright for so long.

But he feels the difference. It's like it's... shifted. Like normally the little disks in his back line up perfectly, but there is a section that feels slightly off-kilter, as if they are sitting at an angle. He feels it every time he's up, the only time it's not glaringly obvious is when he's lying down. Hinata hopes the feeling will go away, even if it takes a long time; even with all his boundless energy, he finds he unconsciously holds himself as if he'll snap if he twists too fast.

Shouyou lays in his bed, happy he's home and ecstatic that he got to see his team. He's happy he will play his favorite sport again, even if it will be a small while before he's back up to snuff. He's happy that he has people who care for him, both here at home and amongst the people he's met elsewhere (if the messages he receives from a certain setter in Tokyo are any indication). But he's also apprehensive.

What comes next?

{}

A hell of a lot of determination is what comes next, that's what. Determination to not _die of boredom_. There are only so many shows Hinata can binge before his eyes start hurting from staring at a screen for too long, and he starts to get restless. He's been up and down a lot the last few days, but nothing's improved because his back swells every time and this morning he got the most _devastating_ migraine–

_Ding!_

Oh. Pizza's ready.

Hinata prepares himself to rise, doing so with barely-restrained energy. He wants to _move_ dammit, but the doctor practically stabbed him with his eyes and his pointed orders to _"take it easy!"_

Natsu and his mother aren't home, so it's just Hinata today. His little sister had wanted to go out and see some of her friends on the other side of town, and Hinata smiled and ruffled her hair when she hesitantly asked him if he would be alright without anyone there. His mom had given him that searching look, as if she didn't quite fully believe him when he said he'd be okay on his own, but he had shaken her off and insisted she and Natsu go and have fun.

He shouldn't drag anyone down.

 _No!_ A voice (one that sounds suspiciously like Suga?) shouts in his head. _Negativity begone!_ Humming softly to himself, Hinata makes his way to the kitchen to pull the now-cooked frozen pizza out of the oven. His mom brought the American food home when last she went shopping and, wanting to try something new, the boy decided to try it out. He's just trying to muster up the strength to cut the thick crust when the doorbell rings.

Frowning, the teen peeks past the wall separating the kitchen form the entrance, staring holes into the door. _Did mom say she was expecting anyone today?_ Not a minute passes before the bell rings again, and then begins to ring consecutively. The teen frowns and wonders if whoever is there will go away if he doesn't answer.

"Oi, I know you're not asleep!" Hinata blanches at the sound of the familiar voice and hurries to the door. When he swings it open, he stares at his visitor in surprise.

"Kageyama?" He asks, his voice embarrassingly high-pitched.

"No, I'm his clone," said boy says, rolling his eyes. Hinata moves to the side and gestures for him to come inside. He shuts the door after him and leads the way to the kitchen, hearing his friend trail behind after a moment.

"If you're a clone, you've got Kageyama's natural scowl-ey face down perfectly!" He comments with a bright smile. "Well, Kageyama two-point-oh, I made pizza. If you eat commoner's food, that is."

"Oh yes, I eat "commoner's food" all right. Do you ever eat because it doesn't look like you do, shorty."

"Hey, I'm so hungry I might just give you a single piece of pepperoni and eat the rest myself!"

"Yeah yeah, sure you will dumbass."

Hinata picks up the pizza-cutter as the kitchen falls into comfortable silence. He sings a short song under his breath, an old tune he doesn't remember the origin of.

"Hey, Hinata?" Kageyama asks, his voice a bit small. Hinata hums curiously, feeling sweat gather at his brow as he finishes placing two pizza slices on two plates. "Is your... back– is it supposed to look like that?"

Hinata frowns and raises his hand to brush against his spine. Sure enough, his skin is swelling again, and the surface of it feels hot to the touch. Hinata can't keep the groan of frustration from escaping his chest. His hips ache now that he's paying attention to them.

"I need to lay back down. Wanna come to the living room?"

"Sure," Kageyama shrugs his shoulders and takes the plate Hinata offers to him. "Is this American?"

"It's pizza," Hinata offers, slowly lowering himself onto the couch. Eating while lying down will be difficult, but he's feeling _really_ uncomfortable so he thinks he'll be able to bear it as long as it gives him some relief. Kageyama flops onto the armchair nearest to where he sprawls on the couch, orienting himself to be close to Hinata’s head. "Mom said it was good and picked up a few for me and Natsu to try in case we wanted something easy."

The two lapse into a comfortable silence, the soft noises of a random TV program playing in the background. Hinata nibbles on one of his pizza slices, finding he enjoys the taste of the food.

"Does it still hurt?" Kageyama asks suddenly, staring at Hinata with an openly curious expression. The prone boy stares at his friend, processing the question. "Your back."

"Sometimes," he responds in whisper. "But my chest hurts sometimes, too, you know. Here," the boy speaks as he presses the palm of his own hard against his chest, right over his heart. "I always feel like it's different now. I've never had a major injury before, you know? And now I can't even stand up to get food without needing a break."

Unbidden, tears well in his eyes. Hinata turns and buries his face in the couch, his chest heaving. Emotions of sadness and anger hit him all at once, burrowing between his ribs like heavy stones. His skin feels hot, his legs feel weak, his pelvis aches. His entire body feels _wrong_ in a way that's different from the pain he felt before; at least then, he could adapt to it. Now, he can't even sit down without worrying about the placement of his weight so he doesn't fall over and hurt himself.

A gentle hand settles on his head, not moving but simply offering silent company. Hinata sobs harder.

"I-I wanna play again," he hiccups, his voice muffled in the couch. "I wanna play now and hit your tosses and dig with Nishinoya and be a decoy for Tanaka–"

"–and you will." The sureness of Kageyama's tone makes Hinata turn his head, staring up at the dark-haired teen with wide, shining eyes. "You'll get to do all of that. But you won't be able to if you hurt yourself before you even get better." Kageyama keeps his hand on Hinata's head, and the smaller boy sniffs, his lips wobbling as he turns to stare at the wall.

They spend the rest of the day together, watching movies and playing games. Hinata doesn't realize how much he dreaded being alone until someone is there to help keep the dark thoughts away.

He's truly grateful for his friend.

{}

Coach Ukai has become a doting dad whenever Hinata returns to practice.

His ability to stand up has been improving rapidly over the days moving into weeks he's been home. The most he can do is stand up all practice, but he can't return to school yet because that's too much. By now, the whole school knows what happened, but Hinata is just glad he doesn't have to interact with the people he doesn't know as well yet. He's still a bit baffled by the messages he receives on his phone for well-wishes from numbers he doesn't recognize.

His teammates have been amazing with keeping him up-to-speed on everything. They watch out for him in a way that doesn't feel too overbearing, and he even gets to touch the ball while peppering lightly with Sugawara! ( _He and Kageyama had tried this but it was immediately put to a stop when everyone realized how worked up their competitive spirits were getting_.)

Ukai always has one eye on him but Hinata thinks he's pretty safe when the team runs drills if he's by the older man's side. He reminds him of a big protective bear, almost. One that spits fire... yeah.

Tsukishima had, begrudgingly ( _and with the pushing of one doe-eyed Yamaguchi_ ), offered his help in tutoring on anything he didn't understand. Hinata had started crying at the offer, making the blond visibly panic. It was a bit funny to be honest.

Some nights are worse than others, though. Those nights lead to bad days.

It happens because of the smallest things; he'll sleep wrong, irritating his spine, or he'll stand up wrong and feel _off_ for the rest of the day, or even if he spends too much energy too quickly. Maybe that's what happened the previous day, because this morning is already putting strain on him and he literally just woke up. As soon as he's in the gym for the team's morning practice, he makes a beeline over to Coach Ukai, explaining that he may need to lay down for this one. The man asks him how he's feeling, and Hinata replies with _"frustrated"_ because he doesn't _want_ to lie down, he wants to stand by his team!

This isn't the first time this has happened, though, so the most he gets from the other players are understanding looks as he makes his way off to one side. Hinata lays on his side on the bench, a towel beneath his head as he watches his teammates practice without him. Something in his heart _twists_ , knowing all he can do is sit and watch and be useless. He feels like he's being left behind.

The teen doesn't know why he has to keep tears from spilling when he's in the place he loves the most, surrounded by the sport he loves more than anything in the world and the teammates who make him feel included.

He thinks it might have something to do with the fact that the court is so far away, so distant beyond his reach despite being right in front of him.

{}

A few months later, he _flies_.

His recovery, speedy for someone who underwent a surgery as major as his was, felt like it was only crawling along. Now his spine no longer swells when he's up for long periods, having healed internally. He's been doing light workouts to keep himself in shape to the best of his ability, which makes the transition from constantly lazing around to up and about again a bit easier. He's been keeping up with his schoolwork with the help of Tsukishima and Yachi, who was a nervous tomato the first time she came over to his house to study. Hinata's been feeling better, _doing_ better, and then he leaps on accident.

It's actually in the middle of practice.

He's been peppering with Kageyama more and more, knowing that someone is watching them at all times and that the two of them have a silent agreement to _not_ compete at every turn. But, much like the first time they were spiking and receiving together, Kageyama spikes it too high and too far for Hinata to reach. Only, it doesn't _feel_ like it's beyond his reach. Hinata is jumping before his mind can even keep him on the ground.

It's an amazing feeling, being weightless. He soars and stretches his hand out, the ball landing squarely in the center of his palm. His eyes lock onto the ball as he brings it to his chest, and secures it between both of his hands. Gravity pulls him back down to land squarely on his feet.

The gym's gone quiet, not even the sound of a footstep breaking the silence.

Hinata looks down at himself, twisting slowly and lifting his legs to feel for any of the pain that flared after he strains himself. The wrongness is still there, still present, but no different or worse from it always is. Once he realizes this, a beaming smile overtakes his face.

"I JUMPED!" He screams at the top of his lungs. The room bursts into chaos.

"What the hell were you thinking, ginger?!" Ukai screams, loudest of them all. Everyone else is on Hinata like flies to honey, cheering loudly and ruffling his hair and hugging him.

"I dunno, I just did it!" He says happily, kind of directing the response at Ukai. A few around him huff amused laughter.

"How the hell do you not have a brain?" Tsukishima asks, genuine awe making his eyes wide. Hinata sticks his tongue out at the taller boy. He can totally tell that Tsukishima is glad for him, somewhere deep, _deep_ down that never sees the light.

"We got our little decoy back up in the air, boys!" Tanaka hollers, slapping him on the back. Hinata winces at the action, which earns Tanaka a sharp slap to the back of his head from the captain.

"Shit, sorry Hinata!" He says sheepishly.

"He's still recovering, Tanaka, don't push it," Daichi says before turning a wide smile to Hinata. "We're happy for you, Hinata!"

"How are you feeling? No pain?" Sugawara asks, setting gentle hands on either side of Hinata's lower spine from behind. The orange-haired boy shakes his head.

"No more than usual!"

"I can't believe you jumped to retrieve a ball that was too high," Nishinoya says, laughing. "You coulda just let it go and gone to get it."

"I don't think he was thinking that far ahead," Kageyama comments, his eyes shining with mirth and happiness. "It looked like he just did it without thinking. I hate to say it, but Tsukishima might be on to something."

"Hey, my brain is bigger than yours! I passed my history test with a score higher than you!" Hinata shouts, red blooming to the tips of his ears. A ripple of laughter spreads throughout the team.

"I guess we all know how much you've been wanting to get back on the court, so it makes sense," Yamaguchi offers. Hinata huffs and crosses his arms, nodding to the green-haired boy.

"You nearly gave me a heart attack, Hinata," Ukai says finally, causing everyone to look between him and the shorter spiker nervously. "But... good to have you back, kid."

Hinata's smile is like the sun, warming every corner of the gym in its radiance.

"Good to be back."

{}

Hinata knows that he could have had it way worse off. He could have had more tumors, or even one that was much larger. The tumors could have formed in his brain, or he could have been forced to undergo chemotherapy.

Despite this, Shouyou's quiet inner voice whispers to him. _You're slower now, weaker. You can't jump as high. If this happened to you for a reason, was the reason to prove you aren't strong enough?_

 _I'm not weak_ , he argues back, quietly.

The voice never answers, after that.

Hinata Shouyou learns to live with his new normal. He learns to fly again, he's more open to meeting new people and spreading kindness because _hey, you never know what they could be going through_. A particularly scary player with spikey red hair and soulless eyes apparently really needed Hinata's happiness on that particular day. They had even exchanged numbers.

But on quiet nights, sometimes he curls on his side and wishes to not feel anything. The cheeriness falls away and leaves him with that same feeling he had on his last morning at the hospital– the homesickness, only this time he's homesick for how he was before. When he could jump without looking where he lands sometimes. When he didn't have to stop with a wince when his body growls at him for twisting the wrong way. _This_ is his new normal, and sometimes it's hard to live with.

But Hinata Shouyou knows, without a doubt, that he'll get through the hard times. He has a supportive family, the best teammates and friends he could ever ask for.

Yeah, he'll be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> I am in no way Hinata Shouyou. Our personalities are way different, as are our experiences in every way. But I saw him, I've watched his story, and I saw his love and passion for a sport that mirrored my own. I don't 'ship' myself with Hinata, and I know canonically he's never been through a major incident like this, but I think the proper wording for it would be I kin him.
> 
> Maybe writing about my own experience through him will help me accept some what happened, if only for some peace of mind.


End file.
